Quick Answer:
Communication about sex in marriage begins with understanding that God designed sexual intimacy as a gift meant to bring unity, pleasure, and deep connection between husband and wife. Honest conversation—free from shame—allows couples to express needs, desires, and boundaries while deepening emotional and spiritual intimacy. The key is creating safety through vulnerability, intentionality, and remembering that sexual intimacy reflects the deeper health of your entire marriage relationship.
Breaking the Silence
For over thirty years, Kath and I didn’t talk about sex.
We just didn’t.
I thought if we had sex after a fight, everything was fine. Kath would bring up that same argument three months later in counseling, and I’d discover it wasn’t over at all for her. I needed sex to feel better, and I did feel better, but sex isn’t the answer to fixing problems.
“It’s so important to have strong boundaries within marriage so there is no gray. They must be very clear so there is no question in either person’s mind about what’s okay or not.”
The truth is simple—you can’t fix your marriage problems in the bedroom. They must be fixed outside the bedroom first. When the Church stays silent about sexual intimacy, couples are left to navigate this vital part of marriage without biblical guidance or grace-filled conversation. That’s what happened to us for decades.
God’s Design for Sexual Intimacy
Sex was God’s idea.
He created it. He called it good. Genesis 1:31 tells us God saw everything He had made, and it was very good. That includes sexual intimacy between a husband and wife. The Bible gives three reasons for sexual intercourse—oneness before God, pleasure, and procreation. God created sex to be enjoyable, pleasurable, and passionate within the context of marriage.
“Love making also begins outside the bedroom. This is done by connecting emotionally with your wife, nurturing her, paying attention to her, and by serving her in ways that matter to her.”
Proverbs 5:18-19 says, “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.” God’s Word doesn’t shy away from celebrating sexual passion in marriage. The vulnerability of shameless intimacy communicates what safety we can have with God Himself.
Starting the Conversation
Communication is key.
For wives, sex starts in the brain, which means you must start preparing by thinking about it. Why wouldn’t you? Sex is a gift from God within the boundaries of the marriage covenant. It’s meant to be as enjoyable for wives as it is for husbands.
But here’s the reality—our husbands can’t read our minds. Kath taught me early on what she needed. If a spouse wants to enjoy something during sex, it should be discussed. A spouse should be free to voice what they like and dislike and bring up any number of desires or preferences regarding sex.
“Sex is a God-given gift designed to bring unity, pleasure, and deep connection to marriage.”
Here’s how to begin:
- Ask questions. Start by asking what your spouse enjoys, what makes them feel loved, what creates connection.
- Share honestly. Tell your spouse what you like and need from them—maybe even show them. There are so many resources available now about different techniques and answers to questions.
- Be intentional. Talk about it, get excited for it, be intentional about it. Don’t let silence breed isolation.
Research shows when couples talk more about sex, they have more satisfying sex lives. Despite this, many couples find it hard to talk about their needs and desires because talking about sex can feel more vulnerable than actually having sex.
Addressing the Barriers
Some women don’t like sex.
If that’s the case, it’s important to find out why. If there’s a physical reason holding you back, see a doctor for help. If there’s an emotional block, it’s worth the effort to figure out why, even if it means counseling for yourself or with your husband.
1 Corinthians 7:3-5 addresses this directly: “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over her own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other.”
Many couples enter marriage carrying emotional baggage around sex—shaped by past trauma, harmful cultural messages, or legalistic teachings that foster shame rather than freedom. When sex is considered taboo in Christian spaces, couples often assume they’re alone in their struggles.
Practical Steps for Better Communication
The important thing is to be intentional in talking about it together so you both experience what God intends on the most intimate level of your marriage.
For husbands:
- Serve your wife outside the bedroom. Get up early and unload the dishwasher. Do things before Kath even wakes—it means a lot to her.
- Be clean. If you’re dirty at the end of a long day, clean up. If you need a shave, do it. Brush and floss your teeth—kissing creates other feelings.
- Listen to what she needs and wants, then do your best to serve her in those ways.
- Be healthy physically so you’re able to have sex.
For wives:
- Think about sex during the day. Intentionality about sex is not just in the act but being intentional in all that leads up to it.
- Tim wants to feel wanted and desired, and sex creates closer connection for me as much as it does for him.
- Communicate your needs. It’s okay to say what you want and what you like. It’s okay to talk about whatever may be inhibiting you.
For both:
- Pray together daily. Matthew 18:20 says, “For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” God wants to be invited into your marriage—including your sex life.
- Create boundaries with the opposite sex. Kath and I don’t ride with the opposite sex other than family in a car. We don’t meet the opposite sex other than family for coffee or lunch.
- Have accountability. Every marriage needs non-negotiables. It’s vital to have people in your life who will hold you accountable for your actions and decisions.
The Deeper Connection
On a scale of 1-10, how united would you say you are with your spouse?
Mark 10:7 reminds us: “For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
The level of unity in your marriage directly affects your sexual relationship. Often, the health of a couple’s sex life reflects the overall health of their marriage. While sex is an important part of marriage, it’s not the only part. Emotional and spiritual intimacy must continue to deepen.
“The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband.”
Kath and I learned that sex is a reflection of the self-sacrificing love of God Himself. Sexual acts focus on connection and becoming one flesh in a way that glorifies God. The greatest pleasure is found in seeking mutual pleasure rather than living out selfish fantasies.
Moving Forward Together
Communication about sex shouldn’t be a one-time conversation.
Spouses need to talk before, during, and after physical intimacy. This is certainly true at the outset of marriage, but the conversation should be ongoing. As you grow and change, your needs and desires may shift. Keep talking. Keep listening. Keep serving each other.
If you’re carrying shame about sex, give it to God. 1 John 1:9 promises: “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” God designed sex for your enjoyment within marriage. There’s no shame in that.
Kath and I wasted over thirty years not talking about this gift God gave us. Don’t make the same mistake. Start the conversation today. Be honest. Be vulnerable. Be intentional about what God designed to bring you closer together in every way—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Remember, whatever is done must be done in faith and cannot violate anyone’s conscience. Both husband and wife must agree on what happens in the bedroom. That requires communication, grace, and the willingness to die to yourself every single day.
Ephesians 5:25 says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her.” Christ died for the church. If you want an amazing marriage relationship with lots of potential benefits, die to yourself. Don’t do it for what you might get—do it because she’s His daughter.