When I first saw Kath, it was at a junior high school track meet where my brother Ned was competing. I was immediately drawn to her physical appearance – she was cute and caught my eye right away. Ned knew who she was because he went to school with her sister. He also knew about my reputation and warned me not to pursue her, saying “Don’t even think about going out with her, Tim. She’s a nice church girl, and you’re not necessarily a good dude – you’re not good. She’s way better than you.”
A few weeks later, I saw Kath again at a party near her house. Once again, she caught my attention. I wanted to take her out and get to know her. She seemed special, and I thought things could be different with her compared to other girls I’d been with. What really attracted me was that she was a “church girl” – I had the idea that dating a good girl who went to church could help change me and my lifestyle.
When Kath first noticed me at that party, she described me as looking like “a man” compared to the other high school guys there. I stood out in my dress slacks and nice shirt. Kath’s sister later told her about me, mentioning that I had my own house and cars. While Kath wasn’t initially interested, her sister convinced her to give me a chance by emphasizing my financial status.
The Initial Spark: Biblical Foundations for Marriage
For many couples, physical attraction plays a role in that initial spark of interest. God created us as physical beings, and He designed marriage to include physical intimacy. As it says in Genesis 2:24-25, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed”.
However, while physical attraction can grab our attention, it’s not enough on its own to sustain a lifelong marriage. As we explore what drew us to our spouses, we need to look deeper at the qualities of character and faith that form the foundation of a godly relationship.
Drawn to Faith and Character: Christ-Centered Relationship
After 27 years of marriage, for Kath and me, our shared faith in Christ was the bedrock that our relationship was built upon. I was attracted to Kath’s genuine love for God and her desire to follow Him wholeheartedly. Her faith wasn’t just something she talked about on Sundays – it permeated every aspect of her life.
I saw Christ-like qualities in Kath that drew me to her:
- Her servant’s heart and compassion for others
- Her joyful spirit, even in difficult circumstances
- Her hunger for God’s Word and spiritual growth
- Her integrity and commitment to living out her faith
These character traits were far more attractive to me than any physical features. They gave me a glimpse of the kind of lifelong partner Kath would be.
Complementary Strengths: Unity in Christian Marriage
Another aspect that attracted me to Kath was how our strengths and weaknesses complemented each other. Where I tended to be more spontaneous and enthusiastic, Kath was detailed and reserved. My relational gifts balanced out her task-oriented nature.
God often brings together spouses with different personalities and giftings to create a stronger team. As it says in 1 Corinthians 12:4-6, “Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; and there are varieties of service, but the same Lord; and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who empowers them all in everyone”.
I was drawn to how Kath’s strengths filled in my gaps, and how together we could serve God more effectively than we could alone.
Shared Vision and Values: Spiritual Growth in Marriage
Another key factor that attracted me to Kath was our alignment on core values and life vision. We both had a passion for ministry and a desire to build a Christ-centered family. Our conversations revealed that we had similar views on important issues like finances, raising children, and prioritizing our relationship with God.
This common ground gave me confidence that we were heading in the same direction in life. As Amos 3:3 asks, “Do two walk together, unless they have agreed to meet?” Having unity in our fundamental beliefs and goals was incredibly attractive as I considered a lifelong partnership.
Growing in Attraction: Cultivating Love in Marriage
It’s important to note that attraction in marriage is not static – it grows and deepens over time as you build your life together. What initially draws you to your spouse may be different from what attracts you to them 10, 20, or 50 years into marriage.
For Kath and me, our attraction to each other has only increased through the years as we’ve weathered life’s storms together, raised our children, and grown in our faith. I’m more attracted to Kath now than ever before because I’ve seen her character tested and refined through trials. I’ve witnessed her unwavering commitment to our marriage and family.
The attraction I feel for Kath today is based on a deep appreciation for who she is at her core – a woman who loves God and lives out her faith daily. It’s grounded in years of shared experiences, inside jokes, and a profound knowing of each other.
Overcoming Challenges: Marriage and Faith
In our book “Sex On The First Date,” Kath and I share openly about the challenges we faced early in our marriage. Despite the initial attraction, we struggled with issues of trust, communication, and intimacy. It took years of hard work, forgiveness, and God’s grace to transform our relationship into what it is today.
We’ve learned that true attraction goes beyond physical chemistry or shared interests. It’s about choosing to love and honor your spouse daily, even when it’s difficult. It’s about seeing the image of God in them and helping each other grow in Christ-likeness.
Nurturing Attraction in Marriage: Proven Marriage Habits
Whether you’re newlyweds or have been married for decades, it’s vital to continue cultivating attraction in your marriage. Here are some practical ways to do that:
- Focus on your spouse’s positive qualities. Make a habit of noticing and verbalizing what you appreciate about your spouse’s character, actions, and appearance.
- Invest in your spiritual growth. As you become more like Christ, you’ll likely find your spouse more attractive too.
- Prioritize quality time together. Shared experiences and meaningful conversations deepen your connection.
- Take care of your physical and emotional health. Honor your spouse by being the best version of yourself.
- Extend grace and forgiveness. Bitterness and resentment kill attraction, while grace allows love to flourish.
- Pray for your spouse and your marriage. Invite God to continually renew your love and attraction.
Attraction Rooted in Christ: Seeking God Together as a Couple
Ultimately, the most important factor in marital attraction is a mutual commitment to Christ. When both spouses are pursuing God wholeheartedly, it creates a beautiful attraction that goes far beyond the physical.
As Ecclesiastes 4:12 says, “And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken”. When Christ is at the center of your marriage, He strengthens the attraction and bond between you in a powerful way.
If you’re single and considering marriage, I encourage you to look beyond initial physical attraction. Seek a spouse whose love for God and godly character truly attract you. Build a relationship on the firm foundation of shared faith and values.
For those already married, take time to reflect on what originally attracted you to your spouse. Thank God for those qualities you saw in them. And look for new things to appreciate about your spouse, allowing your attraction to deepen as you grow together in Christ.
Kath and I are living proof that attraction in marriage can increase over time when it’s rooted in faith, character, and shared devotion to God. May your marriage be marked by an ever-growing attraction to the person God has given you as a lifelong partner.