Infidelity. The word alone carries a weight that can crush even the strongest of marriages. It’s not just about broken promises—it’s about shattered trust, severed intimacy, and the deep wounds of betrayal. Kath and I know this all too well. Our story, laid bare in Sex on the First Date: Our Story of a Broken Beginning to a Radically Transformed Marriage, is one of repeated infidelity—on both sides. It’s a story of brokenness, yes, but also one of redemption. And if you’re wondering whether love can survive when trust is obliterated, let me tell you—it can. But it takes more than just hope. It takes work. Hard, gut-wrenching work.
A Cycle of Betrayal
Our marriage didn’t just stumble into infidelity—it lived there for years. Kath confessed to multiple affairs early in our marriage. She was lonely, unseen, and emotionally neglected in a life where I controlled everything—our finances, her role as a wife and mother, even her sense of self-worth. And while I stood there doling out forgiveness like I was some kind of martyr, I was harboring my own secrets. My own betrayals. For decades, I carried the weight of my unfaithfulness, convinced I could take it all to the grave.
This toxic cycle nearly destroyed us. Kath would confess, I’d forgive her (at least outwardly), but nothing really changed because neither of us dealt with the deeper issues tearing us apart. When I finally caught her rekindling an old affair, it broke something in me. For the first time in our marriage, I wanted out. I told her I was done. But Kath begged for another chance—and that moment became the turning point for us both.
The Role of Counseling
We couldn’t fix this on our own. We tried for years and only made things worse. So we sought help—a husband-and-wife counseling team who weren’t afraid to dig into the mess with us. They helped us see what we couldn’t see on our own: that infidelity wasn’t just about physical betrayal but about emotional disconnection and unmet needs.
For Kath, it was about finding herself in a marriage where she felt suffocated by my control. For me, it was about the guilt and shame I carried from my own sins—the very things that fueled my need to control everything around me.
The hardest moment came when I finally told Kath the full truth about my infidelities. It crushed her. But it also gave her clarity—she could finally connect the dots between my behavior and our broken dynamic. That moment of truth-telling hurt like nothing else, but it became the foundation for our healing. Our counselors reminded us again and again: healing requires honesty, even when honesty feels like it might destroy you.
Letting Go of Control
If there’s one lesson God drove home in me through this journey, it’s that control kills love. My need to control everything—our money, Kath’s independence—only pushed her further away. When I finally let go and gave her the freedom to choose whether she wanted to stay or leave, something shifted between us.
For the first time in our marriage, Kath saw a version of me she hadn’t seen before—a man who wasn’t clinging to power but surrendering to love. And that surrender? It drew her back to me in ways control never could.
Forgiveness and Transformation
Forgiveness didn’t come easy for either of us. Kath wrestled with forgiving me after learning about my years of deceit, and I battled with forgiving myself for all the ways I’d failed her—and God.
But forgiveness became our cornerstone. It wasn’t instant or painless; it was a process that required daily choices to let go of resentment and rebuild trust brick by brick. We had to confront our past mistakes head-on and commit to doing things differently moving forward.
And here’s what we learned: forgiveness doesn’t just free your spouse—it frees you. It releases you from the chains of bitterness and opens the door for transformation.
Lessons for Others
If you’re walking through the wreckage of infidelity right now, hear me: there is hope. Kath and I are living proof that no marriage is beyond redemption when both partners are willing to do the work God calls them to do.
Here are some principles we’ve learned along the way:
- Truth Brings Healing: Secrets only build walls between you; full disclosure is painful but necessary.
- Counseling Helps: Don’t try to navigate this alone—seek wise counsel from people who can guide you through your pain.
- Let Go of Control: Love isn’t about controlling your spouse; it’s about giving them the freedom to grow.
- Commitment Matters: Even when one partner feels like walking away, staying can create space for God to work miracles.
- Forgiveness Is Key: Forgiveness doesn’t erase what happened—it redeems it.
Kath and I have seen firsthand how God can take even the most broken beginnings and turn them into something beautiful. Infidelity nearly destroyed us—but by His grace, it became the catalyst for transformation in our marriage.
So yes, love can survive infidelity—but only if both partners are willing to face their pain with honesty, grace, and perseverance. No matter how far gone your marriage feels right now, remember this: God is still in the business of redemption. And He’s not done with your story yet.