When Kath and I began the long process of rebuilding our marriage after infidelity, boundaries were a foreign concept. We were just trying to survive. But God, in His mercy, began to show us that without clear, intentional boundaries, we’d likely end up right back in the pain we were desperate to escape. Our transformation wasn’t just about healing the past—it was about building protective walls around the gift God had given us in our marriage.
Boundaries aren’t restrictions that limit joy. They are guardrails that protect it. They’re not about legalism; they’re about love. When established with intention, boundaries create safe space for intimacy to grow without fear. Here’s some of the hard-earned wisdom we’ve gathered about how boundaries can shield your relationship from infidelity and misunderstanding.
Our journey taught us that opening God’s Word together became the starting point for real change in our marriage. In the book, we share how reading the Bible—beginning with a chapter of Proverbs each day—was the first step that led us to understand God’s voice and His promises. Only after we started reading Scripture together did we begin to pray more honestly and consistently from our hearts. As we grew, both reading God’s Word and praying together became daily non-negotiables—foundational practices that shaped our relationship and our faith.
The Biblical Foundation for Boundaries
God is the original boundary-setter. From the Garden of Eden to the Ten Commandments, God has always established clear guidelines—not to restrict us, but to protect our hearts. “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (Proverbs 4:23) isn’t a suggestion; it’s a command for our protection.
When I was far from God, I justified crossing boundaries by “following my heart.” What I didn’t understand was that an unguarded heart leads to destruction. Boundaries in dating and marriage aren’t about limiting love—they’re about creating the space where true, God-honoring love can flourish.
In our book, Kath and I share how the absence of boundaries nearly destroyed everything we held dear. God’s boundaries aren’t arbitrary rules. They reflect His character and His desire for our protection and flourishing.
Boundaries in Dating: Building a Foundation of Respect
Spiritual Boundaries
For singles, the most foundational boundary is this: only date believers who are actively pursuing Christ. This isn’t just a preference—it’s essential protection. As the Bible says, “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers.”
Kath and I often counsel young couples to make this commitment: “I choose to honor God by inviting Him to be the foundation of this relationship. We will be a couple rooted in Christ and will choose to always be a chord of three.”
Spiritual boundaries in dating might include:
- Praying together but avoiding overly intimate spiritual conversations that create premature bonding
- Setting aside regular time for individual growth with God
- Keeping Christ at the center of relationship decisions
Physical Boundaries
Physical attraction is powerful. When Kath and I were dating, the struggle to maintain purity was real. Physical boundaries aren’t just about avoiding sex before marriage; they’re about honoring God’s design for intimacy.
The question isn’t “how far is too far?” but “how much do I love Jesus and want to honor Him?” This changes boundary-setting from rule-following to worship.
Practical physical boundaries might include:
- Having clear conversations about physical limits before emotions run high
- Avoiding situations that create unnecessary temptation, like being alone late at night
- Maintaining accountability with trusted friends or mentors
- Setting time limits for dates to avoid situations where tiredness weakens resolve
Emotional Boundaries
Many Christian couples overlook emotional boundaries. Sharing too much too soon creates a false sense of intimacy and can cloud judgment.
Healthy emotional boundaries might include:
- Defining what “I love you” means before saying it
- Establishing a schedule for healthy communication
- Being cautious about how much you share about your past early in the relationship
- Maintaining close friendships beyond your dating relationship
Boundaries in Marriage: Protecting Your Sacred Bond
When Kath and I began rebuilding after our betrayal, we needed stronger boundaries than ever before. These weren’t restrictions on our freedom, but protections for our intimacy.
Boundaries with the Opposite Sex
Many marriages become vulnerable here. My failure to set clear boundaries with women outside my marriage created the perfect environment for infidelity to take root.
Practical boundaries with the opposite sex might include:
- No private meetings with someone of the opposite sex
- Transparency about all communications with the opposite sex
- No meals alone with someone of the opposite sex
- Avoiding emotional intimacy with anyone but your spouse
- Maintaining appropriate physical distance in all interactions
Don’t provide a listening ear for someone to share their marital difficulties or tensions at home. When we become emotional confidants for someone of the opposite sex, we create conditions for emotional affairs.
Communication Boundaries
Clear communication is essential. Kath and I had to learn how to express our needs and concerns without attacking each other.
Healthy communication boundaries might include:
- No name-calling or contemptuous language
- Speaking with respect even during disagreements
- Setting aside specific times to discuss difficult issues
- Taking breaks when conversations become too heated
- Seeking to understand before being understood
Digital Boundaries
In our digital age, this category is increasingly important. The internet and social media have created new pathways for infidelity to enter marriages.
Effective digital boundaries might include:
- Sharing passwords and maintaining complete transparency
- No private social media messaging with the opposite sex
- Filtering and accountability software on all devices
- No pornography or sexually explicit content
- Agreeing on social media behavior and interactions
Implementing Boundaries That Last
Setting boundaries isn’t a one-time conversation, but an ongoing practice of protection. Here’s what we’ve learned about making boundaries stick:
Prayer as Your Foundation
The most important step in establishing boundaries is prayer. Come before God together and individually, asking for His wisdom and strength. When Kath and I began praying together daily, it transformed our ability to maintain healthy boundaries.
Clear Communication About Expectations
Boundaries only work when both partners understand and commit to them. Take time to discuss your boundaries clearly, explaining not just what they are but why they matter.
For example, when I travel for ministry now, Kath and I have clear agreements about communication, accountability, and how I’ll maintain appropriate boundaries with others. These weren’t easy conversations at first, but they’ve built tremendous trust between us.
Accountability Structures
No boundary will survive without accountability. This means inviting trusted friends, mentors, or pastors into your life who have permission to ask hard questions.
I have several brothers in Christ who regularly check in on how I’m doing with maintaining the boundaries Kath and I have established.
Grace When Boundaries Are Crossed
Even with the best intentions, we sometimes fail. When this happens, grace must flow. Kath has shown me incredible grace over the years, and it’s taught me that boundaries without grace become legalism.
Understanding God’s grace and mercy creates the context where honest confession can happen when boundaries are crossed, before small slips become major betrayals.
Boundaries as an Act of Love
Looking back, the boundaries Kath and I have established aren’t restrictions on our freedom but expressions of our love. Each boundary says, “I value what we have so much that I’m willing to put protections around it.”
In a culture that sees boundaries as limitations, we need to reclaim the truth that boundaries are acts of love. They create the safe space where trust can flourish and intimacy can deepen. They’re not about suspicion but about wisdom.
The boundaries we set in dating lay the foundation for the boundaries we’ll need in marriage. And the boundaries we maintain in marriage create the environment where God’s design for lifelong, faithful love can thrive.
If there’s one thing Kath and I have learned through our journey from brokenness to restoration, it’s this: love without boundaries is dangerous, but love protected by wise boundaries becomes a testimony to God’s redemptive power. May your dating relationship or marriage be strengthened as you prayerfully establish boundaries that honor God and protect the precious gift He’s given you in each other.