Song of Solomon 4:9 says, “You have made my heartbeat faster, my sister, my bride; you have made my heartbeat faster with a single glance of your eyes.”
I can’t read that verse without thinking of Kath. Her eyes have always had a way of stopping me in my tracks. Even now, after all these years, there are moments when she looks at me, and it feels like time slows down. That glance—the one that makes my heart beat faster—is something I’ve come to treasure more deeply as we’ve grown together. But it wasn’t always this way. For so long, I missed the beauty in her gaze because I didn’t know how to see her the way God intended.
Kath and I recently started reading a book about Song of Solomon. It’s been eye-opening to study how the love described in that book feels so fresh, so alive—just like ours did in the early weeks and months of our relationship. Back then, everything felt new and exciting. We were discovering each other, learning what made the other smile, laugh, and feel loved. But somewhere along the way, life got busy. The freshness faded, and instead of cherishing each other, we drifted into patterns that hurt more than they healed.
In the last decade of our marriage, we’ve read several books about God’s design for sex in marriage. Each one has given us tools to talk openly about a subject that used to feel impossible to approach. This latest book has been no different—it’s sparked conversations that have brought us closer and even given us reasons to laugh together. We both firmly believe that God created sex as a beautiful gift for marriage. He dedicated an entire book of the Bible to it! That realization has made learning more about His design for intimacy a priority for us.
But let me be honest—this wasn’t always the case. Before we got married, we never talked about sex. Afterward? It was even harder. Nobody taught us how to have those conversations, and we certainly didn’t know how to start them ourselves. For the first 31 years of our marriage, sex was either unspoken or a source of conflict. We argued about it, weaponized it against each other, and used it selfishly instead of lovingly. It became the elephant in the room—something we both felt but couldn’t address because we expected the other person to read our minds.
Looking back now, I see how much pain those unspoken expectations caused us. We were both hurting but didn’t know how to bridge the gap between us. It wasn’t until we started inviting God into this area of our marriage that things began to change. Over the last decade or so, talking about sex has become almost a daily conversation for us—not out of obligation but out of a genuine desire to understand each other better.
God has been teaching me how to see Kath with fresh eyes every day. When I look at her now, I don’t just see my wife—I see a woman who is fearfully and wonderfully made by God Himself. Her beauty isn’t just skin deep; it’s in her heart, her spirit, and even those little glances she gives me that make my heart beat faster. Learning to study her—to truly understand her—has been one of the greatest gifts of our journey together. It’s not something that happens automatically; it’s a choice I make daily.
Choosing to study your spouse is an act of love and humility. It means setting aside your assumptions and asking God to show you who they are through His eyes—not just in physical intimacy but in every area of life. For Kath and me, this has meant reading books together, praying together, and even laughing through awkward conversations about things we never thought we’d discuss openly.
Discussion for Transformation:
Have you chosen to understand each other better in all areas of life, including sex?
Could you read a Christian book on sex or even Song of Solomon slowly in a way that might give you fresh eyes for your spouse?
Prayer:
Lord Jesus, as we wake each day or when we come together as a couple, help give us fresh eyes for each other and help our marriage tell the truth about You.