Let me come alongside you for a moment and speak plainly. There’s a myth out there-a dangerous one-that says marriage will fix you. That your spouse will complete you, heal your wounds, and fill every void you’ve ever felt. I believed it. Kath believed it. Most couples we meet have believed it at one point or another. But here’s what we learned the hard way: only Jesus can make you whole. This took us almost 3 decades.
How the Myth Shows Up
You know the lines. “When I get married, I won’t be lonely anymore.” “My spouse will help me overcome my insecurities.” “Marriage will finally give me the purpose and fulfillment I’ve been missing.” I used to think, if I just worked harder at being a good provider, which I thought made me a better husband, or if Kath would just change, everything would fall into place.
But those expectations put a crushing weight on our marriage. I wanted Kath to fill needs that only God could fill. She wanted me to be her rock, her healer, her answer. We set each other up for disappointment, and the resentment that followed nearly tore us apart.
Why We Fall For It
It’s no wonder we bought the lie. The world is shouting at us-through movies, music, even well-meaning friends and family that finding “the one” will fix everything. And if you grow up in church, you might even hear that your spouse is supposed to be your other half. But that’s not what God says.
Looking back, we see how our own upbringings shaped these expectations. I watched my mom chase love through nine marriages. Kath grew up believing if she just did everything right, she’d be loved and safe. We both dragged those wounds into our marriage, thinking the other person would make it all better.
The Real Purpose of Marriage
Here’s what I wish someone had told us: marriage isn’t meant to complete you. It’s meant to reflect God’s image through oneness, to build a godly legacy, and to serve together as stewards of what He’s given us. It’s not about what you can get, but about what you can give. It’s not about fixing each other, but about being refined together-shaped more and more into the likeness of Christ. Our marriage needs to show the truth about God. Ephesians 5:1?
What Happens When You Believe the Myth
When you expect your spouse to be your savior, you end up with codependency. I saw it in our marriage. My emotional well-being was tied to Kath’s approval. When she pulled away, I felt lost. Then I reached to inappropriate others for approval. When I failed Kath, she felt unloved. We tried to control each other, manipulate, blame, and hide. The cycle was exhausting.
And when your spouse inevitably lets you down, disappointment turns into resentment. I blamed Kath for not meeting my needs. She blamed me for not being the man she hoped I’d be. We were both looking for identity and purpose in each other, and it left us empty.
The Truth: Only Christ Completes Us
Scripture is clear. “For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and in Christ you have been brought to fullness.” (Colossians 2:9-10) We are already complete in Him. No person, no marriage, no amount of effort can add to what Jesus has already done.
It took us years-decades, really-to see that. We kept searching for something to fix us, to fix our marriage. Counseling, self-help books, even church. But nothing changed until we both surrendered our brokenness to Christ. That’s when the real healing began.
Letting Go of Unrealistic Expectations
We had to let each other off the hook. I had to stop expecting Kath to be my everything. She had to stop looking to me for the security only God can provide. Instead, we learned to love each other out of the wholeness we found in Christ, not out of desperation or neediness.
That’s when our marriage started to change. We stopped trying to fix each other and started to serve each other. We learned to accept, forgive, and encourage. We found joy in giving, not just getting. And we discovered that the more we pressed into Jesus, the more we had to offer one another.
Practical Steps for the Journey
- Ground your identity in Christ, not in your spouse or your marriage.
- Pursue your own spiritual growth-prayer, Bible study, honest accountability.
- Let go of the need to control or “fix” your spouse.
- Pray for God to change you, not just your spouse.
- Love from a place of wholeness, not need.
A Word for You
If you’re single, hear me: you don’t need marriage to be complete. You are already whole in Christ. Use this season to deepen your relationship with Him. Make sure to go through pre-marriage, this is an absolute must.
If you’re married, let your spouse off the hook. They can’t be your savior. Only Jesus can fill that role. When you let Him, or her,you’ll find freedom-not just for yourself, but for your marriage.
Kath and I wrote our book, Sex On The First Date, to tell the story of how God took two broken people and made something beautiful out of our mess. It’s not a story of us fixing each other. It’s a testimony of how Jesus met us in our darkest places and brought us back to life.
So, friend, don’t buy the myth. Marriage won’t fix you. But God will use it to refine you, if you let Him. And that’s where true transformation begins.