I remember it like it was yesterday-Kath and I, young and clueless, rushing headlong into marriage after just five months of dating. We had no idea what we were getting ourselves into or the differences between infatuation and lasting love. Our story began with what I now recognize as pure infatuation, but God had bigger plans for us. He took our broken beginning and transformed it into something beautiful that I’m humbled to share with you today.
When Infatuation Masquerades as Love
Let me be straight with you-infatuation is a powerful force. It’s that initial rush, that feeling of being swept away that makes you think you’ve found “the one.” Kath and I experienced this in full force back in 1981. We met, dated for just five months and five days, and then got married. Seven months later, we had our first child, and before Kath turned 21, we had three kids.
Talk about a whirlwind! But here’s the thing about infatuation-it’s focused entirely on feelings, not reality. When I was infatuated with Kath, I wasn’t seeing her clearly. I was seeing what I wanted to see, creating this perfect image that couldn’t possibly hold up over time.
“Infatuation is something you feel. Love is something you do,” as I often tell couples now. Your feelings will always change, but truly loving someone means making a choice to love them no matter how you feel at any given moment.
In those early days, I thought I knew everything I needed to know about Kath. But infatuation quickly decides it knows everything when in reality, it knows very little. It’s self-centered rather than other-focused. I was thinking about how Kath made me feel, not about who she truly was or what she needed.
Looking back, I can see how having sex before marriage robbed us of really getting to know each other well. We jumped straight to physical intimacy without building the foundation of truly understanding one another. God created sex for a marriage relationship, not outside of it. The two becoming one flesh is biblical inside the marriage relationship, but we rushed that sacred union before we’d established the emotional and spiritual connection it was meant to enhance.
The Inevitable Crash When Reality Hits
For most couples, the “honeymoon phase” lasts about one to two years. During this time, everything seems perfect. You’re walking on clouds, convinced you’ve found your soulmate who can do no wrong. But then something happens-reality sets in.
For Kath and me, the fading of infatuation revealed some serious issues. We were churchgoers, sure. I would have told you we were Christians because going to church meant you were a Christian to me back then. Saying that you believed in God made me a Christian too. But our lives told a different story.
Our marriage was marked by substance abuse, infidelity (that spanned 27 years, though Kath didn’t know about most of it until much later), and a complete lack of spiritual foundation. We were living for ourselves, not for each other and certainly not for God.
When the initial excitement wore off, we didn’t have the tools to build something lasting. Instead of growing together, we grew apart. I focused on work and success, while Kath was left alone to raise our children. We were living separate lives under the same roof.
The Turning Point: From Broken to Transformed
Our transformation didn’t happen overnight. It took decades of struggle before we finally reached our breaking point. But looking back, I can see God’s hand guiding us even when we were completely oblivious to His presence.
The real change began when a friend challenged me to read the Bible with Kath and to quit drinking for a month. We thought, “We can do anything for 30 days, right?” So we started reading a chapter of Proverbs each day together and stopped drinking.
Something amazing happened during that month. As we read God’s Word together and cleared our minds from alcohol, we began to see changes in ourselves and our relationship. When the 30 days were up, we couldn’t find a single reason to go back to drinking. Everything was better without it.
But the most profound transformation came when we both surrendered our lives to Christ. For me, it happened during a Christmas concert at a church we’d been visiting. As they sang a song called “The Lighthouse,” I felt the Holy Spirit come inside me in a way I’d never experienced before. I turned to Kath with tears in my eyes and said, “Babe, our lives are going to change forever.”
And they did. That was the beginning of true love replacing infatuation in our marriage-not because our feelings changed, but because our foundation changed.
The Key Differences Between Infatuation and Lasting Love
Through our journey, Kath and I have learned some crucial distinctions between infatuation and genuine love. Let me share some of these with you:
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Focus: Self vs. Other
Infatuation asks, “How does this person make me feel?” Love asks, “How can I serve this person?” In our early years, I was completely self-centered. I expected Kath to make me happy, to meet my needs, to be who I wanted her to be. True love didn’t begin until I started asking how I could serve her instead.
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Duration: Temporary vs. Enduring
Infatuation burns hot but fades quickly. Love grows stronger over time, especially through trials. Our infatuation couldn’t survive the challenges of raising children, financial struggles, and the daily grind of life. But the love God built in us has endured far worse and continues to grow deeper.
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Reality: Fantasy vs. Truth
Infatuation thrives on an idealized image of your partner. Love embraces the whole person-flaws and all. When I finally confessed my years of infidelity to Kath, I expected her to leave. Instead, she showed me what true love looks like by staying and fighting for our marriage despite knowing the worst about me.
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Response to Challenges: Retreat vs. Perseverance
When difficulties arise, infatuation looks for the exit. Love commits to working through problems together. For decades, Kath and I coped with our problems through alcohol, affairs, and avoidance. Real love began when we faced our issues head-on, together, with God’s help.
Building a Love That Lasts: Lessons from Our Journey
If you’re wondering whether what you’re feeling is infatuation or lasting love-or if you’re trying to transform a struggling marriage into something beautiful-here are some lessons from our experience:
Give Love Time to Develop
One of our biggest mistakes was rushing into marriage. We didn’t take the time to truly know each other beyond the surface level. As I often tell young couples now, you need enough time with a person to see them in multiple situations and circumstances. You need to see how they handle stress, disappointment, and conflict.
The “Test of Time” is crucial. Don’t make life-altering decisions based solely on emotions that might not last. Take your time. Get to know the real person, not just the version they present during dating.
Seek Wisdom From Others
When you’re infatuated, you’re often blind to warning signs that others can clearly see. Listen to trusted friends and family members who might notice red flags you’re missing. Kath and I ignored everyone’s concerns about our rushed relationship, and we paid the price for decades.
Build on a Spiritual Foundation
The single most transformative element in our marriage was putting Christ at the center. When we began reading Scripture together and praying together daily, everything changed. We found a common purpose and a source of strength beyond ourselves.
I tell couples now that praying together daily is non-negotiable. It’s as essential as eating dinner. It connects you not only to each other but to God, who is the ultimate source of love.
Practice Radical Honesty
For 27 years, I kept secrets from Kath. Those secrets created walls between us that prevented true intimacy. It wasn’t until I confessed everything-every painful, shameful detail-that we could begin building a relationship based on truth.
The power of confession is remarkable. When you bring your darkest secrets into the light, they lose their power over you. And when your spouse knows the worst about you and loves you anyway, that’s when you experience true acceptance.
Choose Love Daily
Love isn’t just a feeling-it’s a choice you make every single day. There were many days when Kath and I didn’t “feel” in love, but we chose to act in loving ways regardless. We chose to serve each other, to forgive each other, to put each other’s needs above our own.
This daily choice builds a love that can withstand any challenge. It’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it.
The Transformation That Only God Can Bring
Looking back on our journey, I’m amazed at what God has done in our lives. He took two broken people with a mess of a marriage and not only restored us but gave us a mission to help other couples find the same healing.
True love-the kind that lasts-isn’t something we can manufacture on our own. It comes from surrendering our lives and our marriage to God and allowing Him to transform us from the inside out.
Kath and I often say that our biggest secret became our biggest testimony. The very things we were most ashamed of-the infidelity, the substance abuse, the years of dysfunction-God has used to help others find hope for their own marriages.
If you’re struggling to discern whether what you’re feeling is infatuation or love, or if your marriage seems beyond repair, I want you to know there’s hope. The same God who transformed our marriage can transform yours. It won’t happen overnight, and it won’t happen without effort on your part, but with God, all things are possible.
Put a stake in the ground today. Commit to building a love that goes beyond feelings to encompass actions, commitment, and grace. Choose to love even when it’s difficult. Serve your spouse even when you don’t feel like it. And above all, invite God into your relationship, because He is the ultimate source of the love that truly lasts.
Remember, infatuation is about feelings, but love is about choice. Choose love today and every day, and watch as God transforms your relationship in ways you never thought possible.