“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loves the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word.”
— Ephesians 5:25–26
When I stood at the altar with Kath, I thought I knew what it meant to be a husband. I thought leading her was about making money, working hard, and providing a good life—meaning nice cars, a house, vacations, all the stuff you’re supposed to chase after. If I could just keep us comfortable, I figured I was doing my job. As for spiritual leadership? At twenty, that meant driving the car to church every now and then, maybe bowing my head at dinner. That was the extent of what I thought it meant to lead spiritually.
Looking back, I didn’t have a clue. No one ever told me that a woman’s heart is wired to be led spiritually, every single day—not just on Sundays. I didn’t have the tools, the know-how, or the humility to ask for help. Pride kept me isolated. I didn’t want anyone to see that I was in over my head, especially when it came to spiritual things. I thought I could muscle my way through this part of marriage the same way I did with business, just grit and grind.
But the truth is, I spent almost three decades winning and losing at leading Kath. Some seasons, I thought I was doing alright. Other times, I knew I was failing her. The turning point came during one of the lowest valleys of my life. I was running on empty, broken down by the weight of my own mistakes. That’s when a friend—someone I used to party with, someone who’d seen me at my worst—came alongside me. He didn’t preach. He just asked, “Tim, would you consider reading the Bible?” There was something different about him, a peace I couldn’t explain. I told him I’d think about it.
A few weeks later, after that question kept nagging at me, I got up the nerve to ask Kath, “Would you read the Bible with me?” She didn’t even hesitate. She just looked at me and said, “Of course I will.” Years later, she told me, “That was the sexiest thing you ever said to me.” It wasn’t the cars or the houses or the jewelry or the trips that moved her. It was me finally stepping into the role God designed for me—leading her spiritually, not just materially.
The thing is, neither of us really knew what we were missing until we started. I thought I was supposed to be the provider, the fixer, the one who made things happen. Kath didn’t know to ask for spiritual leadership, and I sure didn’t know how to give it. But when we started reading the Bible together—first for a few days, then weeks, then months—it became a habit. Something shifted. Our lives started to change. Not overnight, but little by little, the Word began to wash over us, just like this verse in Ephesians says. It wasn’t just about knowledge; it was about God reshaping our hearts, our marriage, our priorities.
Now, years down the road, reading the Bible together is non-negotiable for us. It’s the anchor of our relationship. It’s what keeps us steady when everything else feels shaky. It’s where we find hope, direction, and unity. Kath loves that I lead in this way, and she encourages me—even when I stumble, even when I’m not perfect. She doesn’t need me to have all the answers. She just needs me to show up, to open the Word, and to invite God into our day.
If you’re a husband reading this, maybe you’re where I was thinking leadership is about paychecks and protection. Or maybe you’re feeling lost, not sure where to start. I get it. But let me come alongside you and say: the most powerful thing you can do for your wife is to lead her spiritually. You don’t have to be a Bible scholar. You just have to be willing. Open the Word together. Pray together. Make it a habit. Watch what God does.
For us, it’s been the difference between surviving and truly living. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being present, being humble, and letting God do what only He can do. That’s real leadership. That’s love, as Christ loves the church. And that’s the foundation that’s changed everything for Kath and me.
Questions for transformation:
Wherever you are in your spiritual walk, what small change could you agree to as a couple to help step it up a notch?
How could you as a husband lead this and how could you as a wife support him?
Pray: Lord Jesus, help us to work together to be more Christ centered as a couple and to live more in the image of God.