I thought I had marriage figured out. I really did.
There I was, making good money, providing for my family, thinking that’s what being a husband meant. But I was so wrong it almost cost me everything.
The Fairy Tale Lie
Most of us walk into marriage with expectations that don’t match reality. Kath and I sure did. She thought marriage would look like her mom and dad’s relationship—a traditional home with a loving husband who came home each night. I thought being successful meant making money and having control. We were both chasing images that had nothing to do with what God designed marriage to be.
“We thought if we had more, we’d be happier.”
The biggest misconception? That marriage exists to make us happy. That our spouse’s job is to meet our needs and fulfill our dreams. I spent years believing Kath’s role was to stay under my control while I provided financially. She spent years looking for emotional connection I couldn’t give. We were both searching for something the other person could never provide.
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24)
The Performance Trap
Here’s what nobody tells you: you can’t fix your marriage by trying harder at the wrong things.
I worked seventy-hour weeks thinking I was being a good husband. I controlled the money, the decisions, even the grocery shopping. I thought leadership meant having the final say in everything. Meanwhile, Kath felt like a daughter instead of a wife—controlled, unheard, invisible.
“I needed to let Kath have a voice, and I didn’t allow room for her to express it.”
The truth is, I was performing. Performing at work, performing as a provider, performing in ways that looked good from the outside. But inside our home, we were dying. No amount of success or control could fix what was broken between us.
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” (Ephesians 5:25)
The Self-Centered Solution
The world tells us that if we’re unhappy, we should look elsewhere. Find someone who “gets us.” Pursue what makes us feel good.
Both Kath and I fell for this lie. I thought more women, more parties, more success would fill the void. She thought another man might give her the emotional connection she craved. We spent nearly three decades searching in all the wrong places for something that was right in front of us all along.
“We were searching for something the other person could never provide.”
Marriage isn’t about finding the right person—it’s about becoming the right person. It’s not about getting your needs met, it’s about dying to yourself daily and serving the one God gave you. That’s not easy. It’s actually impossible without Christ at the center.
“And he said to all, ‘If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.'” (Luke 9:23)
The Real Foundation
Here’s the hardest truth I’ve learned: you can’t build a godly marriage without God.
Kath and I tried everything. We went to church occasionally. We baptized our kids because that’s what you’re supposed to do. We even went to counseling multiple times. But none of it worked because we were trying to fix our marriage without surrendering our lives to Jesus.
“The only lasting solution is for each of you to give your life to Jesus Christ and to put Him in the center.”
When I finally hit rock bottom—when anxiety attacks and panic stripped away every ounce of control I thought I had—God got my attention. It took me forty-seven years to become a man. Not just successful in the world’s eyes, but a man who understood what it meant to love Kath the way Christ loves the church.
The Truth That Sets You Free
The biggest misconception about marriage? That it’s about you.
It’s not. Marriage is about reflecting Christ’s love for the church. It’s about sanctification—becoming more like Jesus through the refining fire of loving another broken person. It’s about covenant, not feelings. Commitment, not convenience.
“Marriage doesn’t begin on a wedding day—it begins in the beginning with the upbringings and backgrounds that lead two people toward each other.”
God designed marriage to point us to Him. When we make it about our happiness, our needs, our expectations, we miss the whole point. But when we surrender our lives to Christ and let Him transform us from the inside out, everything changes.
The marriage Kath and I have now is nothing like what we had for those first twenty-seven years. It’s built on truth, forgiveness, daily prayer together, and the non-negotiable commitment to honor God in everything we do. It’s not perfect—we’re not perfect—but it’s radically transformed.
Don’t wait as long as we did. Don’t believe the lies the world tells you about what marriage should be. Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and He’ll give you more than you ever imagined possible.
Your biggest misconception can become your greatest testimony.